The Lost Dungeon of Rickedness
Thursday April 2, 2020
This week finds Garz, Buttless Livvy, Buzz-saw, Just Leroy, Kosh and Robo-DaJ standing near rooms 10-14-17
Room 17 (Evil stuck up Wizard)
This guy is here blaring his music theme and claming to be the best wizard ever and impervious to their puny weapons. A long, wide room looms before you. Mysterious runes and patterns cover the room’s walls and floor. Visible at the end of this long room is some sort of evil mage. Oh man, he’s so evil. At least as evil as anyone can be under the lens of subjective moral parameters and constantly moving ethical goalposts. He looks real tough, and he blocks the way to the next room. Figure it out. Rick found him and dropped him here to teach him a lesson. Heroes attack with sticks, stones, and words. Evil Wiz just laughs and taunts them. They consider giving up until the heroes read letters AU, RN, and GY on the various surfaces. Livvy says “RAY GUN”. A Ray gun appears in her hands that was created by Rick. She shoots and defeats the Wizard with a witty catch phrase. The wizard cries for mercy and the heroes give mercy to him. I’m positive he’ll be grateful and change his ways now.
Room 18 (Mr Meeseeks box)An innocuous-looking teal cube sits on a pedestal in the middle of this room. Atop the cube is an inviting button. Engraved on the back of the pedestal is a sentence no one of you can read no matter how hard you try. Garz mashes the button. A Mr Meeseeks pops out and says “I’m Mr Meeseeks Look At Me !!!! Just give me a command”. He is commanded to “open the best door”. He freaks out since this is kind of conundrum. Someone else mashes the button, Another Mr Meeseeks is summoned to open both doors so as to show the first Mr Meseeks which one is “better”. Neither of them are “better”.
The 2nd Mr Meeseeks says “I’m Mr Meeseeks look at me. Sure thing”. It opens the South door revealing a room of bored goblins (room 20). The goblins are all saying “Oh Jeez Rick”. Mr Meeseeks 2 opens the East door to room 27 and gets immediately incinerated by Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider says “WILSONNNNN lets get outta here”. Ghost Rider grabs Wilson (a pet skull that was keeping Ghost Rider dude company for who knows how many years). As they pass by, Wilson drops a glass vial. The heroes scramble to catch it. Someone catches the GLASS VIAL.
Ghost Rider goes to room 20 and starts incinerating the goblins. Goblins on fire start running for their lives. 2 goblins run up through room 18. One is killed, the other escapes. They all go to the great breakroom in the sky (room 23)
Garz (the summoner of MM1) rolls and convinces MM1 that the door was the best door. MM1 pops out of existence. The heroes take THE BOX with them.
Room 20 (Mort……er…..insufferable goblin room)
This room is filled with the burned remains of many goblins wearing BLUE AND YELLOW clothes. They look and sound surprisingly like Morticia. Morticia looks uncomfortable.
A horde of goblins wearing yellow shirts and blue pants crowd this room. They’re these little munchkin things. I don’t know, I never gave them names. But they are reeeeal annoying little pieces of s***, repeating the same patter and spouting undermining nonsense while you try to get work done—all underpinned with teenage self-image fragility and minuscule attention spans borne from what I can only assume is a life completely unexplored while simultaneously devoid of any real stakes.
Also, they say, “Ah jeez!” a lot. Too much.
A glass case sits on the far side of the room, next to another door, but there are too many stupid little goblins in the way for you to see it clearly. Five gems sit in the case—blue, green, red, yellow, and purple. Next to the case, three conveniently gem-sized sockets are cut into the stone wall. I bet these things are related, huh?
Kosh guesses to place the Green Red and Purple gems (miraculously) in the correct order. Everything disappears. The goblins disappear. The doors open. This room is done.
Room 21 (Bathroom room)
This looks like a really nice bathroom. Decorative porcelain tiles run from floor to ceiling. The room smells clean, like freshly squeezed lemons and pine. A feeling of relaxation settles over everyone who enters. The heroes do not LOOK IN or FLUSH the toilet.
Room 22 (Tommy 2 butts Laboratory)
Inside this room, you see a genius at work. He’s a goddamn genius! He has two goblins with him from India. Multiple tables are stacked with s*** that your primitive primate brains couldn’t dream of comprehending. We’re talking piles of notes with magic symbols. It’s a beautiful mind you’re seeing here! Also, He’s got two butts. No, I don’t know why. Yeah, it’s weird. Try not to stare.
To help Tommy, a character must read his notes (taking 1 hour of study), then succeed on a DC 14 Intelligence (Arcana) check to determine the following facts:
The flabulator (one of those incomprehensibly named parts) must be connected to the chronomiton (ditto). This requires the flabulator to be the target of a spell that causes a creature to regain hit points, such as cure wounds. Drenching the flabulator in a potion of healing also works.
The gleep-freeble mechanism must be calibrated by targeting it with a fire-based spell, such as the fire bolt cantrip.
The drockle-spreem tube needs to be carefully primed by being targeted by any ranged spell attack or the magic missile spell.
Once these tasks are completed, the churd cannon is fully operational and has one charge.
The heroes perform the task and create the Churd Cannon. LIVVY FORGETS TO PUT AWAY THE WAND. IT IS LOST. They are instructed to Mash the LEFT button to transport everyone to room 10, then press the RIGHT button to disable the Butt Trap.
Someone presses the LEFT button. All are transported to room 10.
Room 10 (Chapel of the Buttless)
Gregorian Chants are heard. What looks like a holy shrine dedicated to the Butt sculpture has been erected. Through the smoke of fragrant incense, you can make out devout worshipers—all of them goblinoids—prostrated and mumbling before the curvaceous idol. Livvy earns 5 temp HP for getting the visual
A number of regrettably pious creatures praise a divine derrière in this room, their congregation composed of two bugbears, six goblins, and one hobgoblin. The hobgoblin, Zorg, is the speaker for this group, known as the Order of the Buttless. These penitents have all lost their butts
When the characters make themselves known, Zorg takes great interest in them and the collective state of their butts.
If all the characters still have their butts, Zorg and the other buttless see this as an opportunity to introduce the party to a new reality free from butt bondage. They try to convince the characters to accompany them to the butt trap where members of the order attempt to get the characters to trigger the trap.
If one or more of the party members have previously lost their butts, Zorg and the other members of the Order of the Buttless begin to get excited, asking repeatedly whether this might be the Buttless Messiah that the prophecy foretold. To dispel everyone’s curiosity, Zorg produces the Book of the Buttless, an enviably pert tome filled with prophecies and star charts that predict the coming of the Buttless Messiah.
After checking It is determined that Livvy is indeed the Butless Messiah (these guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed) and that the prophecy foretold. They worship her as Queen Badonkadonk. They ask her if she has any words of advice.
Livvy says another catch phrase here
Livvy presses the right button and destroys the Butt Sculpture. The Sculpture deflates with a flabbily sound. One gets the sense that many many butts are returned to their owners including famous butts like George Washington.
Once the Sculpture is destroyed, everyone cheers and departs
Behind the shrine lies a sack containing 20 gp, 55 sp, and the order’s holiest relic—a turd-shaped lump of gold worth 150 gp.
Room 19 (Tick tock….look at the clock)
As soon as the door is opened. The sound of a giant alarm clock is heard. A countdown is heard. A small, well-lit chamber opens up before you. In the middle of the floor are two five-foot-square stone tiles that look like the doors of a pit.
The two tiles in the middle of the floor fall away, and an ominous digital countdown timer rises up from the hole. At the same time, back near the door, a panel bearing a single button descends from the ceiling. Beneath the button, terrifying red block letters spell out the word “RAPTURE.”
The lights in the room suddenly cut out, and an eerie glow emanates brightly from the countdown timer, casting the room in an ominous red light.
On inspection, it’s clear that the timer is counting down from sixty, the total decreasing by one every second. Seems as though the party has a minute before something pretty bad happens. The doors are locked and, in this room, they’re made of some kind of indestructible metal. Very inconvenient.
As the countdown nears zero, the room begins to rumble. If the “RAPTURE” button is pressed at any point during the countdown, the clock resets—but instead of 60 seconds, it starts at 50 seconds and starts counting down to zero again. This happens every time the button is pressed, with the countdown losing 10 seconds each time (so that it starts again at 40 seconds, then 30, and so on).
You can keep track of the countdown in real time, to whatever degree of accuracy you care about. Be sure to use super threatening language as you describe what’s happening. The characters need to feel as though they’re delaying an inevitable destruction. Scare them into pressing the button as much as possible and encourage lots of infighting.
When the clock reaches zero, all the doors in the room open and the characters are free to leave. Read the following in your most judgmental voice:
Look at all of you! Stop being sheep to your pathetic instincts and think critically for once in your lives. Think about it: I’m not going to kill everyone. I can’t do that. It would introduce a host of liabilities for me, since if you die in this dungeon, you die in real life.
Room 16 (Room with 12 Doors)
At the center of this room floats a tiny orb of energy that lights the area up. The room has two other doors.
When the last of you enters the room, the door you all came through suddenly slams shut!
The door you came through and the other doors are no longer alone. All the walls are suddenly covered with identical doors—twelve in all. Weirdly, you’re no longer sure which door you came through to get in here.
The twelve doors are identical, and the weird glowing orb makes any creature in this area forget which doors were the real doors.
Duh Duh Dunnnnnnnnnnn
Listen next week for the continuing adventures!
The adventurers have finished about 57% of the Dungeon.