The Lost Dungeon of Rickedness
Thursday April 30, 2020
This week finds Buzz-saw, Leroy, and Kosh with Robo-DaJ, Robo Livvy, and Robo Garz in tow. Everyone has the strange feeling that someone is missing. Everyone is in slimy Cult room 24 after having taken a short rest in Mad Scientist lab 22.
25. Pirate Room
We’ve had a lot of fun so far, folks, but this next room is truly horrifying. Near darkness fills the room, and the sound of gently sloshing water echoes off the walls. A rowboat bobs in a slow-moving stream, tied by a rope to a small concrete pier.
This room is illuminated only by dim light. The water fills the stream to a depth of 3 feet where it runs a winding course through this area. The stream is just wide enough to accommodate the rowboat.
The rowboat is conveniently sized to fit the whole party and looks like the boat from Willy Wonky and the Chocolate Factory. If the rope is unfastened, the boat floats down the dark, spooky stream at a rate of 10 feet per round. As the boat moves, the walls flash with bright images: a parrot, a doubloon, a treasure map! The dread is palpable.
If any players decide to crack wise about how “pirates aren’t scary,” tell them each of their characters needs to succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw or gain a permanent fear of pirates, forcibly making them the most sensible person in the party.
Maybe halfway through this terror exercise, the characters clearly see a glowing “EXIT” sign hanging over a dimly visible, unlocked door. If they’re too frightened to continue—trust me, I understand—they can bail out of the boat and leave through this door. The water is uncomfortably warm but safe to traverse.
Leroy and Robo Livvy Jump ship and check out the exit. The boat keeps going down the ride.
In the event that these steely-nerved idiots stay on the boat, they find themselves floating into a well-lit cavern. Read the following in your spookiest ghost-story voice:
You find yourself gazing into a cavern of nightmares. Magically animated pirate mannequins act out their twisted follies. Some clank mugs together, others sit atop barrels and belt out demonic shanties, and still others play keep-away with a stolen peg leg. It’s mayhem of the worst kind: piratical!
At the prow of a horrible wooden ship stands a mannequin wearing a large, terrifying pirate hat. Once the characters are noticed, read the following:
The mannequin turns with unnatural speed to stare at you, and your boat grinds to a halt. “Ahoy, me hearties!” its voice booms. “Answer me riddle or I’ll scuttle ye!”
This f***ing guy. My timbers are shivering just thinking about this s***.
The pirate captain is a nightmarishly well-programmed magical animatronic figure. It’s a Large object with AC 17, 50 hit points, a speed of 0 feet, and immunity to poison and psychic damage. It has the following ability scores: Strength 14, Dexterity 10, Intelligence 3, Wisdom 3, and Charisma 1 (obviously). It has blindsight out to a range of 30 feet and is blind beyond this distance. As an action, the captain can make a ranged weapon attack (+5 to hit, range 30 feet, one target) with the ship’s fake (not really fake) cannon. On a hit, the cannon deals 3 (1d6) bludgeoning damage.
If the characters ask the animatronic pirate captain its name, it tells them, “Captain A-Hole” (emphasis on the A). After any other initial pleasantries or tea-and-crumpets crap, A-Hole rattles off its crappy riddle:
“Arrrr! A landlubber has a barrel full of gold coins that weighs five hundred pounds. Then he puts something in the barrel, and ho! Now it weighs less than five hundred pounds! What did he put in the barrel, ye dogs?”
The answer is “a hole.” Maybe now you understand why this guy is horrible.
Kosh answers the riddle! Success!
If the characters successfully answer the riddle, the captain’s mouth slowly opens into a supernatural screaming shape. A black cloth object flies out of it, landing neatly between the characters. See “Treasure” later in this section for details.
If the characters tank the riddle and you get sick of waiting for the right answer, the construct captain shoots a cannon from the deck of its dumb ship and sinks the rowboat. Now the characters have to slog to the exit, and their pants and shoes are all wet.
After the riddle bulls**t is resolved, the boat floats onward to an exit beyond the pirate cavern, ending at a landing with a unlocked door.
Leroy and Livvy walk through the water ride, get confronted by the Pirate, answer the riddle, and proceed.
The black thing tossed by the captain looks like a pocket extradimensional space called a portable hole! It’s not, though. It’s just a crunchy fabric patch slathered with some newfangled ultra black paint—and it smells like pirate. Balled in it is 1 pp, though. The coin also smells like pirate, yet, somehow, that doesn’t decrease the value.
26. Clone Room
This room is white and featureless like the Drew Barrymore Trap room (yikes). Everyone enters the room (except for Robo Daj). The door slams shut. The room expands magically. Everyone is pulled apart at infinite speed until they are alone. But they’re not alone. They end up in a white space with an exact replica of themselves. Is it a clone? Is it from another dimension? Is it a robot? Is this a dream? You dont know…..is there air there….you don’t know. Creepy Rick voice booms from overhead and says “There can be only one………..” Then some kind of magic wand falls from the ceiling. Our Heroes stand confused and friendly wanting to make introspective small talk with the alternate version of themselves. Morticia-B runs over, picks up the escape wand and (Trogdor style) fires a crossbow into Morticia-A. Negotiations fail. Battle ensues. Tragic, permanent and life altering battles to the death happen for 5 of the 6 character pairs in isolation. One Character pair did rock paper scissors…………Not all of the primary universe characters survive. At the end of battle, the survivors are returned back to the white room and returned to their previous pre battle conditions. The characters clutch their chest wondering if this is real. Did that really happen? The pain was real. The battle was real, yet here we are “back to normal”…….or is it………Are these the same characters that you’ve come to know these past 3 levels……….you’re not so sure……..are you the same or are you the imposter? Did you return to your universe or theirs? You cant help but think that this will come back to haunt you in the future.
30. Word Virus Room.
A massive disembodied humanoid head hovers above the floor. The bottom of its neck is capped with some kind of metal device. It appears to be muttering to itself, but what it’s saying sounds like gibberish. Any character who draws close can see that the device at the base of the head’s neck is a series of pipes and tubes connecting to a glowing furnace. A clumsy series of gears and wheels grinds loudly from inside the device, which coughs up weak plumes of smoke.
As the characters stare in awe, read the following:
As the furnace glows brighter, the head begins to speak more clearly. Which is to say, its gibberish only gets louder. “Mumford. Potato. Spelling. Casper. Igneous.” It sounds as though it’s listing words, and now it starts to yell. A piercing hiss comes from beneath the pipes and tubes under the head, and a bunch of thin strips of parchment suddenly shoot forth.
From the dark corners of the room, four giant spiders suddenly rush up in a kind of worshipful reverence. One skitters up to you and shoves the parchment strips in your collective faces. “Read,” it chitters. “To self, not loud.”
The four giant spiders were conveniently hidden in the flickering shadows. Or maybe they were invisible. Whatever. Sometimes you don’t need the characters killing everything as soon as they see it.
The number of parchment strips conveniently equals the number of characters. At this point, you can convey individual messages to any characters who read the parchments given to them by the spiders (see “Getting Ahead” below). You can write the notes on scraps of paper and hand them out, drag individual people out of the room and tell them, whisper it to them like a gossipy middle schooler, or do whatever else that can drive this info into the players’ oblong heads.
Here’s the catch, though. Each character who reads a parchment must succeed on a DC 20 Intelligence saving throw or contract a visual virus that forces them to obey the note. Each infected character must adhere to their parchment’s command as strictly as possible.
Most of the Characters read the paper and get Hypnotized (like one of those cheesy dinner shows with participants up on stage doing silly things).
As I recall.
Morticia sucessfully pretended to drink a healing potion
Robo Daj spun in circles
Robo Garz ran to attack an imaginary transmitter on the wall
Robo Livvy ran up Garz and did one of those Black Widow wrap legs around the neck summersault things which flipped Garz.
Kosh…….(ok I dont remember what Kosh was hypnotized into doing, but it was funny to watch)
Leroy destroyed the imaginary transmitter on the wall then destroyed the real head and source of trouble which ended the mayhem.
Characters under the effect of commands that compel them to remain in the room can willingly leave this area only after the head is destroyed. The head is a Large object with AC 17, 50 hit points, a speed of 0 feet, and immunity to poison and psychic damage. It has the following ability scores: Strength 14, Dexterity 3, Intelligence 3, Wisdom 3, and Charisma 10. After the head is obliterated, the viral messages are removed from the characters’ brains.
The spiders run up to the dead head……then slowly go away…..sad looking.
28. Get Schwifty with it Room
This room is pretty standard. Not much going on. Oh, except this one thing—there’s a round, fleshy monstrosity hovering a few inches from the ground. It’s a big son of a b**ch, maybe five feet in diameter. Four eyestalks protrude from its glistening hide, and a single eye observes you above its slavering maw. Vocab, dawg!
The monster, a spectator, doesn’t attack. As soon as any of the characters tries to speak, rudely interrupt them with a telepathic communication from this budget beholder. It shouts directly into the minds of each of the characters in turn: “SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT! I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT!”
Any further attempt to communicate with the spectator elicits the same message. It’s here to see the show of a lifetime.
Listen, you knew it had to happen. This is Rick and f***ing Morty, and “schwifty” is the money shot. (While we’re on the subject, if one more person comes up to me and yells, “Get schwifty!”, I’m traveling to the future to schwift directly on their grave.)
Anyway, half or more of the characters must succeed on a DC 15 Charisma (Performance) check, but they better be coordinated. None of that “I’ll dance, you juggle, and Fantasy Carol can do card tricks” garbage. This ain’t a middle school talent show.
If the group succeeds, the spectator grunts in approval and vanishes through a hole in the ceiling that promptly opens before it, promptly closes after it, and can’t be found again. At the same time, a previously unseen trapdoor appears in the floor of the room. The trapdoor is unlocked and opens up to a small cubbyhole.
If the group fails to deliver dulcet tones and sick drops, the spectator tries to burn the sight of this hideous failure out of its multiple eyes. In other words, it attacks until destroyed.
Inside the trapdoor cubbyhole is a bag containing 17 gp, two small rubies (20 gp each), and a dead spider (worth 5,000 gp for some crazy reason).
As I recall
Everyone rolled well! Success
Kosh balanced on a ball and juggled
Coming up next week……..Perhaps the return of the Prodigal son.