The SaltMarsh office of Aquisitions Inc were thanked for clearing up the pirate problem and tasked to learn more about the ships weapons cache. The King’s dandy agent Vicerory Vick gave you the keys to the Sea Ghost. The heroes returned to their club house and healed from wounds. Then the montage music starts. One of the heroes excercises like Rocky preparing for a fight. A hero starts suiting up like Arnold in Commando. Another hero is cramming with magic spells while a helper gives the thumbs up.
Then this guy shows up in the middle of the house with an explosion. He says “I’m GAME MASTER RIIIIIICK mother effers. Hehehehe you’ll do….look at your bad little selves all dressed up in your matrix outfits. You’re just the ones I’m looking for!” The heroes look at each other deciding what to do. “ Well……you 5 are the ones I’m looking for!. But not you ‘Bardo’ ….I hate Bards…..’Bardo’…..real original name Scott…….And awayyyyy we gooooo”
DISCLAIMER: WE AT WIZARDS OF THE COAST HERE ON EARTH C-132 DO NOT AGREE WITH OUR MIRROR SELVES ON EARTH C-141. RICK SANCHEZ WAS NOT NOR EVER WILL BE CONSIDERED THE “GREATEST F***ING DUNGEONS & DRAGONS GAME DESIGNER OF ALL TIME,” EVEN IF HE DOES HAVE THAT VERY QUOTE TATTOOED ACROSS HIS ENTIRE BACK. WHICH IS EVIDENTLY HOW YOU QUALIFY FOR JOBS IN C-141.
BAM the Heroes end up in a stairway. The mysterious Rick disappears but his voice mysteriously remains.
“You’re an adventurer. Or maybe you’re even a group of adventurers. Whatever. Why are you here? No one cares. Don’t tell me your backstory. We’re here to kick ass and find treasure. That’s your motivation. Now get ready to roll. In front of you is a dark staircase. Its mysterious shadows beckon you to enter. And by “beckon,” I mean you need to go down the stairs, or there’s not a hell of a lot of purpose for us all sitting around this table, is there? Oh and if you succeed, you’ll have a reward beyond your imaging. And if you fail…..uh…….its eternal torment and damnation or whatever.”
On the Stairs is Garz, Leroy the just and Morticia. Morticia has some kind of interesting back story bla bla bla. Not sure if Morticia is a dudish gal or a galish dude. Not sure now and at this point we’re afraid to ask. Also following behind are zombie style stoned out Libby, and DaJ/Kash. They’re as handy as robo-spock from the Star Trek original series episode called Spocks Brain.
Unless otherwise noted, the dungeon is well lit by magic. (I’m getting into that wizards-did-it bulls**t right off.)
Rooms and hallways in the dungeon are made of rough-hewn stone. Ceilings are 20 feet high (4 squares). Doors are made of wood and have AC 15, 20 hit points, and immunity to poison and psychic damage. They’re also not into humanoids, so don’t try to seduce them. I mean you can try…its just not going to go anywhere.
Some of these rooms might seem a little cramped if you compare the activities inside to the map. But it’s magic, so, like, the rooms are just sometimes bigger on the inside. I’m all about that D! (That stands for “dimensional transcendence,” obviously.)
That’s a good start, right? No taverns or want ads or wizards begging you to retrieve the Bauble of Blarglebop. Which, by the way, is actually completely worthless to the Blarglebopians. Total waste of your time.
Bla Bla Bla which way does the door swing. On the other side is ooooooooo a hallllwayyyy…..oooooo spooookyyyy.
As the adventurers approach this room, have everyone make a DC 12 Wisdom (Perception) check. Anyone who succeeds can hear two goblins talking in Goblin about how their friend Jerry is a useless jerk.
Morticia failed perception but rocked the stealth
When the characters enter or peek inside the room, read this description:
This room features a small wooden table and a couple of stools. Two goblins hang out here, looking pretty bored. Maybe they’d be less bored if they got into a life-or-death struggle with a few adventurers? Just a thought.
One of the goblins is wearing an eye patch. Her name is “Leg.” The other goblin has a bad leg, and his name is “Eye.” If the characters are sneaky, they might be able to surprise these losers. Otherwise, if the party attacks, these gobbo-slobbos fight back. The Goblins pop up and say “Hey….you’re not supposed to be here!. They attack…..and lose……quickly”
3. Statue Room
This room is sort of trapezoidal, with doors to the east, north, and south. It’s also got statues kind of scattered around—mostly statues of Rick with inscriptions like “WOW!” and “DAMN!” One of the statues depicts a woman in armor—really fine crafting, real interesting. Seems like a great artist worked hard on this one.
Most of the statues are pretty self-explanatory, but if a character examines the statue of the armored woman, read the following:
At the base of the statue, a plaque reads: “DON’T WORRY. I’M NOT A REAL PERSON TURNED TO STONE. I’M JUST A COOL-LOOKING STATUE PUT HERE TO INTRIGUE YOU.” It’s probably nothing. You should pick a door, let’s get a move on!
A careful search accompanied by a successful DC 12 Wisdom (Perception) check reveals a hidden compartment in this statue that holds a scrap of paper. Inspecting the paper reveals a note written in Common:
QUIT WASTING TIME! PICK A DOOR AND GO! FLIP A COIN IF YOU HAVE TO—JUST PICK A DIRECTION! IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT STANDING IN HERE WITH A STATUE? YOU NEED TO PICK A DOOR AND GOOOO! THIS IS, LIKE, THE THIRD F***ING ROOM, WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY!
GameMaster Rick pops in and gives everyone 10 Million credits each or rubles or magic diamonds or whatever passes for money in your shared hallucination universe. Its magically light weight and feels good even if there is no where to spend it in Rick-ville. Or…..maybe you’ll need it later…..you don’t know….is there air there?….you don’t know.
Eeenie meenie miny moe….which path to choose
12. Festive Dinner Room
A warm fire crackles in a fireplace along the far wall of this chamber. Several orcs sit around a long table that’s set for a feast, complete with a large, covered silver platter at the center. The smell of baking bread and spiced potatoes fills the room.
At least five adult orcs occupy this room.
empty place settings at the table for any missing orcs. Once they make their presence known to this group of orcs, the characters see two juvenile orcs (noncombatants) emerge from under the table. They point at the character in the lead and say (in Orc which Morticia speaks) with tears in their eyes, “You’re not mommy. Did she send you with my present?” They run down the far hallway yelling HELP.
Regardless of how depressing things get the adult orcs move to put themselves between the characters and the two kids. Some of the orcs are pretty old, and they start yelling at the “heroes,” demanding to know what in the Nine Hells is going on (again, in Orc). If the characters don’t leave or can’t convince the orcs that they mean no harm, the orcs assume harm is coming, and they attack.
Remember, orcs are evil (whatever that means in a morally relativistic society), regardless of their healthy family relationships. Before the characters crashed the feast, the orcs were gathered around the table for a delicious meal of goblin meat. Lifting the cover of the silver platter at the center of the table reveals a bound and gagged (but still living) male goblin.
If freed, the goblin expresses his gratitude by swearing a blood oath to the party. He follows them, whether they want him to or not, until he has repaid their generosity. His name is Frumfle, and he spits when he talks.
A down-on-his-luck goblin, Frumfle has absolutely nothing left to lose—yet he’s an eternal optimist. He truly believes that everything will work out. Sure, he has his doubts sometimes, like when he was about to be eaten alive only moments ago. But he doggedly clings to the notion that the multiverse has a plan. He’s fond of saying, “Pay it forward,” though he thinks that saying means, “One good turn deserves another.” This explains why if anyone gives him a hand, he refuses to leave their side until he’s repaid them in kind.
When faced with danger, Frumfle does his best to put himself between it and the character he’s sworn to protect. If he fails at that mission, he bolts away from danger as fast as he can.
Are orcs evil? Normally, evil is hard to pin down, but according to the parameters of this game, evil is a thing, and orcs are of that thing.
The 3 elderly uncles attack the heroes with forks and knives. Grandpa attacks. Grandma takes out her false teeth and does a ranged attack. Mayhem insues with expected consequences.
Frumfle the house elf……er……goblin is put out of his misery.
A follow-up question: Is wrecking a family’s holiday dinner and gift-giving evil? What if that family is evil? You tell me, because that’s what’s about to go down here and in area 12. Read the following to set the tragic scene:
Six orcs kneeling near the south wall of this room are busy stuffing various goods inside sacks and crates. They grunt to each other every so often, and occasionally show off an object such as a vegetable or a sock to the approval of the other orcs around them. They pay no attention to anything but their weird task.
Orcs Bearing Gifts
If anyone speaks Orc, a successful DC 15 Wisdom (Perception) check overhears one of the six orcs speak up to say, “Hurry it up, Grobblegob! We can’t be late!”
The orcs then stand up and make their way to area 12—that is, unless the characters grab their attention. The orcs know this dungeon is crazy dangerous, so they defend themselves if attacked. However, they aren’t otherwise inclined to fight as they hurry to area 12. Three of the orcs are armed with greataxes, but the other three carry only the large burlap sacks they have slung over their shoulders. Replace those orcs’ greataxe attack with the following attack:
Whack Sack. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 5 (1d4 + 3) bludgeoning damage.
A thick door made out of some sort of fantasy wood opens onto the hall leading to area 12. The door is locked but can be opened with the key that the orcs here are carrying (see “Treasure” below). The lock can also be picked with a successful DC 17 Dexterity check using thieves’ tools, or the door can be kicked open with a successful DC 15 Strength (Athletics) check.
The 6 orcs from room 12 rush into the dining room and attack the heroes with giant heavy santa style bags holding wrapped gifts. The heroes take damage. Leroy the just does some kind of blammo thing with a catch phrase. The last 2 orcs fight each other.
One of the sack-bearing orcs has a funky orc key on their belt. It opens the door leading to area 12.
The burlap sacks and crates are filled with dirty root vegetables and other small morsels of food, as well as a pair of mismatched socks, and thingies. Each thingy is wrapped in scraps of cloth.
1 A dead scarab beetle the size of your hand
2 Two crayons labled “skin color” but they’re different colors.
3 A dead sprite like tinkerbell inside a cracked glass bottle
4 A set of musical bone pipes the size of your hand
5 A gold monocle frame without a lens
6 A glass eye the size of your hand
7 A flask, but it’s empty … too empty
8 A vial of blood (you’re somehow certain it’s your own)
the Heroes stash the loot and move on with zombie heroes in tow.
13. Da Mage Room
A narrow walkway two feet across hugs the wall of this circular chamber. Beyond the edge of the walkway yawns a nasty, twenty-foot-deep pit—evidently a trap that succeeded at its intended purpose. An attractive young woman in wizard’s robes is impaled on a nasty-looking spike at the pit’s bottom and gasping for breath. If she’s some kind of illusion, she’s a convincing one.
The figure at the bottom of the pit is an evil mage named Glizzlegus. She was a member of the last group I ran through this dungeon. She rolled a 1 on her Dexterity saving throw and has 1 hit point remaining. When Glizzlegus spots the characters, she lifts her head. “Please, help me,” she rasps. Sounds like she’s got some lung damage. Oops!
You can figure out how the characters can get Glizzlegus out of the pit. Even once that’s done, though, she still needs medical assistance so that gigantic spike hole doesn’t kill her. If magical healing isn’t available, a successful DC 15 Wisdom (Medicine) check is required to suture her wounds. (If Beth is playing, encourage her not to use healing magic and give her advantage on the skill check.)
If she is healed, Gliz pretends to nice until her sudden but inevitable betrayal. She doesn’t know jack about the dungeon and wants all its treasure for herself. Any character who succeeds on a DC 10 Wisdom (Insight) check figures out she’s Trouble with a capital T.
The heroes succeed on Insight and decide to bypass Gliz
9. Pickle Roooom!
Check this room out. It’s a little pantry. Why a pantry? Because monsters have to eat. Believe it or not, the creatures that dwell in this dungeon exist even when you chumps aren’t parading through their s***.
The room reeks of vinegar. Shelves line the walls on either side of you. They contain oversized pickle jars, which probably accounts for the stink. Most of the jars are filled with just brine, but a dozen still contain enormous pickles nearly two feet long.
The jars are wider than the shelves, so they stick out over the edge. Also, there’s a ten-foot ladder blocking the middle of the pantry, leaning against one of the upper shelves.
This room is hard to move through without touching at least one of the jars. Any Medium or larger creature that attempts to cross the pantry must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity (Acrobatics) check or jostle a jar as it moves through the room. A creature that fails the check by 5 or more knocks a jar down, causing it to smash on the ground, shatter into a thousand vinegar-soaked pieces, and release its contents. See “Jostling Jars” below for the terrifying outcome.
Leroy Jostled a jar
Someone rolled a nature check to determine these are Lycanthro-pickles.
If a jar is jostled, read this terrifying portent:
The two-foot-long pickle in the jar you just jostled turns to face you. Which is to say, the pickle has a face. Let me say that again: it’s a pickle with a face. It starts to head-butt the jar from the inside, edging it toward—you guessed it—the edge of the shelf.
Leroy holds the jar on the shelf.
Morticia triggers……er……..opens the door to room 8
The heroes are spread through triggered rooms 9 and 8
Everything in this odd-shaped room is white—the walls, the floor, the ceiling. Everything, that is, except the four doors and a stressed-looking lady seated at a cubicle style desk, writing furiously on paper. She’s dressed in modern clothing. A nice skirt and blouse from the mall.
A second after the door is opened, the room elongates until it’s a hundred feet long.
Dun dun duhhhhnnnnnnn
Listen next week for the continuing adventures.